How To Make Your Voice Heard in Politics: the Exciting Conclusion!

Having secured the necessary props, we must carefully consider the setting. Most would-be activists believe the best place to shoot a high-profile figure is a government building. They are sadly mistaken. In addition to being heavily guarded and in possession of metal detectors, these buildings are very confusing. Most high-profile figures who actually work there cannot find their way around. You will also become lost. And so might the television crews who need to arrive on scene to broadcast your message.

A better option is to proceed to the Union Station area and seek out a restaurant that charges more than $1.50 for water. (The Hard Rock Cafe doesn't count. Its not nearly classy enough, and its not in the Union Station area. Buy a map). Wait there until the lunch hour, which, in the District, occurs between 10 AM and 3 PM. You are almost guaranteed to see a high-profile government figure.

But wait: how do you recognize a high-profile government figure?! You could start be reading ever possible news magazine, and memorizing key names and photos. But a better option is to just watch C-Span, non-stop, for about a week. Pay close enough attention to differentiate actual elected officials from Congressional pages: the elected ones doze off at their own individual desks. The pages doze on steps, leaning against walls, and sitting on the floor. Don't shoot a page, they're too young. But get to know them: they might eventually become high-profile officials. If shooting at Congressmen isn't your style, consider lobbyists. Nobody seems to like them anyway. Avoid Diplomats at all costs: you want to get your message across, not start an international incident. Your best bet is to aim for somebody with an impressive title, but whose severe injury won't halt the process of government. The best examples of this type of official are: Congressmen, Senators, Supreme Court Justices, and the Vice President, although its much harder to casually run across that last fellow in a random restaurant. If your message is that important, you're going to need far more planning and organization than this essay can give. Visit your local library.

For those of you with reasonable aims, the best way to quickly identify an official is to look for a badge, and a whole retinue of hangers-on. This sort of tight grouping of several people indicates the presence of lobbyists and staffers, as well as being useful if you're not too accurate on the aim.

I cannot stress this enough: shootings cause chaos. This is exactly why you're shooting someone: chaos gets noticed. This also provides a complication: If you shoot first, and then state your opinion, nobody will hear you, and all your efforts will have been wasted. This is the sort of thing you need to get right on the first try. So, for maximum effect, follow these simple steps:

First, be sure to jump up on a table. For extra drama, try to break some glassware in the process. Next, state your political message, swiftly and loudly. Be sure to practice this beforehand: your message should be brief and easy to understand, and you should enunciate. If you mumble some gibberish, the waiters will escort you out before you finish, and instead of "activist" you'll be labeled as "nut-job." Which doesn't look as impressive in a biography. Then pull out your gun. (Make yourself a note: jump, message, shoot). Shoot quickly. Try to wound your target: that means plenty of news coverage through recuperation. Do not, however, be too concerned about hitting somebody else, or no one at all. As long as bullets are flying, it counts as a shooting. The more holes in the wall, the more effective your activism has been. If possible, shatter a few windows, and re-shout your message as the police and camera crews arrive.

Congratulations, you are now an activist. You can watch your moment of glory, along with several million of your fellow citizens, if they let you watch television in your cell. Don't let imprisonment concern you; your opinion has reached the masses, and plenty of criminals get paroled.

The benefits of this method of political involvement are numerous. You don't need to go through a complex registration process, be a certain age, or prove your identity. You could shoot under a false name, if you'd like. You don't have to obtain correct postage, or worry about finding the proper address, and then worrying that your Representative will ignore your note. All of America notices a good shooting. Prisons are generally clean, and you won't have to worry about putting food on the table while you're there. For the civic-minded activist, consider the fact that there are several hospitals in the region, and every wound you inflict helps keep the surgeons in touch with their training, as well as justifying keeping that hospital open for the general populace to frequent in their times of post-shooting need. You might even create a need for more doctors, thus furthering the American dream. I, personally, am amazed that so few citizens choose this method of political expression.

On the other hand, if the idea of sending a Congressman into a coma upsets you, you could always try voting. Its certainly more complex, less exciting, has minimal immediate impact, and you won't end up on the evening news, but there are those who swear by it. I tend to indulge in the occasional balloted event myself. Of course when I vote, its against gun control. Its just my way of looking out for my fellow citizens.