How-to, Part 3 (of 4)

(Disclaimer:this is SATIRE. Don't shoot people. If you feel the strong urge to shoot people, consult your local mental health professional.)

And even the most politically aware Americans can become skeptical and disillusioned. They want certain things from the government, but like frustrated lab rats are unsure of what lever to press. It can seem like a daunting task, getting the big, hulking giant of government to notice one tiny voice. If only there were an easy way to get good ideas out there, to get elected officials to take notice. Instead we see to have a pothole in our ideological structure. We have a government for the people, by the people, from which the people seem largely alienated. Has Democracy failed the common man?! Is there nothing the average American can do to make his voice heard over the rumbling groans of our political mechanism??!?

Fear not-- I have the answer, the one simple thing you, the common man, can do to have your voice resonate across the fruited plain. If you want to be noticed, to share your political opinions with a wide range of your fellow citizens, and to garner some serious media time, your best option isn't the pedestrian vote, and you needn't suffer through the time consuming expense of campaigning. You, the private citizen, have a far more effective option: shoot somebody.

I suggest you take aim at somebody fairly recognizable, somebody in D.C. I'm not saying you have to shoot the president-- in fact your message would get lost in the ensuing hoopla. But it certainly should be a government type with some degree of influence, or at the very least an important-sounding title. Shooting a movie star would label you a crazed stalker; shooting someone in middle America gets you tagged a brutal, bloodthirsty killer. Neither gives you a political voice. Only by pointing your scope toward the political scene can you become an activist, that higher sort of existence craved by all politically aware people.

Since it is illegal to sell or purchase firearms in the District, your expenditures should be low. Of course you could spend some time and cash legally purchasing a gun in another state, and then sneaking it into D.C., but why bother? If you're going to break the law, you might as well do a job of it. You therefore have two options: either kill a criminal and "inherit" his gun, or else just steal one. Killing shouldn't bother you on a moral level, otherwise you'd be at home penning letters to Congressmen, but in killing you run the risk of getting caught, and diffusing the impact of your message. Aside from that, how are you, gunless, going to kill an armed criminal? Unless you're dynamite with poisoned blow-darts, or an expert at knife throwing (and if you are, don't even bother with the gun!) stealing is the way to go. Since owning a gun is illegal, nobody is going to report the theft of his beloved Glock, and in the long run you'll have bigger legal issues to deal with anyway.

In order to steal a gun, you need to recognize potential gun-carriers. In D.C. there are three distinct types of criminal types you should familiarize yourself with:

1) Dead criminals. These have already been relieved of their weapons, cash, jewelry, cell phones, and vehicles, so they aren't any good to you. You're unlikely to see many, because these spend their free time hanging out at the bottom of the river, or rotting in garbage bags in alleys.

2) Successful criminals. In order to become successful, a criminal would have to be alive. Most likely this involves killing other criminals, police officers, innocent bystanders, etc. If you try anything shady, like trying to steal their gun, or asking the time of day, these criminals will kill you too. To avoid these types, stay away from anyone sporting platinum teeth, wearing jewelry bigger than your head, or driving a Lexus.

3)Apprentice criminals. Most of these will soon be dead criminals, although a few will become successful. Apprentice types often flaunt their criminal status, trying to look and act the part. These criminals look and sound like movie gangstas. They're too poor for a Lexus, so they ride the Metro. Steal a gun from a criminal like this. In fact the Metro is a great place for this sort of thing, because its crowded, and the guards are usually busy explaining to tourists why theres no food allowed.

As far as the actual theft, the most important point is: don't go bothering people unless you're completely certain they're packing heat. Roughing up tourists or the average commuter is not the sort of thing politically savvy people do. Besides, some of those commuters are pretty tough, and you'll have a hard time accomplishing your goals after being beaten to a pulp with briefcases and government-issue laptops.

Once your sure an actual gun is present, mosey up casually, ideally as the train door is opening at a station. grab the weapon, and run. Your goal is to not be stuck on a train with the ex-gun-owner, his buddies, and average commuters. That would end your political career. If need be, shoot the criminal and run. You'd be saving both the police and successful criminals some effort, as well as creating an opening in the job market for a new apprentice criminal. This is the sort of good-deed opportunity you, the politically astute, should try to get involved in. If pressed for time, however, it is acceptable to just grab the gun and run like hell.

(coming soon: the exciting conclusion!)